When I worked in the alcohol and drug treatment field we used the serenity prayer on a regular basis. We would recite it whenever we ended groups with patients undergoing treatment for their alcoholism and drug addictions and would also use it to help people settle down and focus when they were going through difficult times. It was posted throughout the center and was a prominent part of the program.

If you don’t know the serenity prayer, here’s what it says, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the years I have observed lots of people using this prayer as a way to reflect on the problems they were experiencing and their wish to help them settle down. Here's the problem I was having with what I was hearing and seeing back then and now. The problem is that many people using this prayer are typically reflecting on what “out there” is doing “to” them. They were primarily focused on "out there" creating "their problems" as well as their resulting behaviors. You can just feel the frustration these people have from focusing their energy on “out their.” You definitely don't want to be within earshot of some of these people. And you can definitely see their frustration in the behavior they exhibit.

Here’s a little twist on this prayer I want to share with you: "God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me!"

I think you will see that the energy this new twist on the prayer takes is focused where it belongs—on me. After all that is the only person I have control over. Do you agree? Do you also agree that we can use this new twist in our daily lives on the job? So now, instead of asking “Why don ‘t you change?” you can now ask yourself “What can I do to let go of that which I cannot control?”

Recently, I was thinking about the many management “retreats” I have either attended myself over the years or have been a speaker at. It’s amazing to me that these retreats into special "mystical" places i.e. lodges, sanctuaries and even hidden mountaintop camps on high have all been done with one goal in mind—to define or refine the company mission, vision, or values.

After all the speakers, processing groups and flip charts filled with ideas, the leaders come down from the mountain with their stone tablet, chiseled and ready to present to all. And with an aah from the commoners in the trenches back at the shop, the tablets are placed in nicely embossed binders for all to refer to and the abridged version is placed on laminated wallet cards for all to carry with them. And everyone lives happily ever after…..right?

You see the problem is that within a short period of time, these commandments from “on high” are put to the test around the water cooler. The employees want to see that management follows these commandments first. Enron, WorldCom, Arthur Anderson and ImClone all had ethics policies and procedures. And they probably looked pretty nice in their binders and frames. But the key is did they practice them? You know the answer to that.

The key to all of this is to not look to “the company” as being at fault. The key is to look at each individual within that company as being at fault. You see, integrity is a personal responsibility issue. It’s an issue that we have to take individual responsibility for. It’s the 1440 minutes of each day that we are accountable for. It doesn’t come from “on high,” it comes from inside.

Instead of asking the question “When will they walk their talk?” maybe it’s better for us to focus on what we have total control over—ourselves and the choices that we make. Personal integrity is making good choices not only when others are not watching BUT it is also when others might be making the kind of choices we know are wrong. Standing up for what is right is not always easy but it is the right thing to do.

A very interesting principle captured in ancient advice says "If you want to know how to live your life, think about what you want people to say about you after you die and then live backwards."

We all know that some day we are going to die. We can’t get out of this one. But assume that you have lived a long, full and productive life and someone is about to give your eulogy. What are some key words that you would like to be remembered by after you’re gone?

Linda Ellis wrote a poem shortly after a grandmother's death in 1996. You have got to take the time and visit her link at http://www.lindaellisonline.com/dashmovie.htm and see how it applies to who you are becoming. It really takes the concept I have talked about before in these blogs regarding "how you want to be remembered after you die" and ties it all together with that little dash between when you enter this wonderful world and when you exit.

The Linda Ellis poem on how you spent your dash along with the ancient advice of “living your life backwards" are really great ways to get you thinking about how you want to be remembered.

Here's the kicker---there is generally a big gap between how a person wants to be remembered and the reality of how they are living their life. With that said, what would people say about you if today was the day your eulogy was read?

Who you keep around says a lot about your company. For instance, if employees see that an employee in your company comes in late, leaves early, is always behind in their work and has a bad attitude with colleagues and customers, then the bar has been set as it pertains to what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. The people who “are doing the right thing” are all wondering what is going on? They are waiting for someone, anyone to “step up to the plate” and say or do something. But….If this employee's behavior goes unattended, the bar has been set at that level. Whether you like it or not, even the “good people” in the company will begin to question, “why should I show up on time, do my job and care about the company?”

Long ago, Samuel Johnson said, "Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, but knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful." So if you are running a business that wants to be perceived as “doing the right thing” then you have got to say and or do something about the slugs in your company! You and I both know that slugs will attract other slugs. And just like slugs on the sidewalk, if you don’t clean them up, they will linger for a long time and make things feel and look ugggggggly!

I wrote a sub chapter in my book for parents “Strategies For Saving Your Sanity In Parenthood” titled “The Willingness To Wear A Flak Jacket And A Helmet.” To summarize my points made in that sub chapter, I am asking people to not only set a structure and stay by it but then be willing to not only huff and puff but “Blow The House Down” if need be! Not only kids but adults really do appreciate those that say what they mean and mean what they say.

Well it’s blog time again. And that means it’s time to get into Dr. Mike’s world and see how he thinks. Now that could be scary for some but for others it could be an adventure.

If you’re new to this blog-welcome. If you’ve been here in the past-welcome back. Either way I want you to scan over the information I have presented so far. Take a look at what I’ve written. You might look at some of the information and issues I wrote about and think “This doesn’t have anything to do with me,” or “That’s stupid. I never think, say or do that.” Don’t move on too quickly. Stop for a minute. Force yourself to think about how this information and issues apply to you. I say that because until you take this information and really do some soul searching inside of you, it just bec omes more words on paper.

As you read my blogs you will see that I take no position taken on issues like war, abortion, euthanasia, the political quarrel of the day or the latest issues that we see or hear about in the news. The reason is that I believe that the formation of good character through ethical choices is a different task from the debate on such issues. I think it’s more important for you to focus on building the basics of good character in your life first and foremost. When you are a person of good character, decisions about the above listed issues will be looked at in a whole different light. And as a refresher to those who have been here before and as a heads up to those that are new, businneses, homes, teams, relationships, families, schools and so forth get better when the people within them choose to get better.

I want you to think about something for a moment. Will using these suggestions in my blogs help you produce better employees, managers, sons, daughters, husbands, or wives? Will they get you a pay raise, have better self-esteem, make you more popular, rich or get a better job? Will you become a better son, daughter, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife? Well, yes. If you take the information contained in these blogs and put them "into action" in your life on a regular basis, I really do think you're life will change. I really think that because of doing this, employees, managers, sons, daughters, husbands and wives around you will be positively affected as well. And it will provide a boost to your own personal self-esteem.

Self-esteem is like the rich soil on a farmer’s land. The rich soil of self-esteem provides for the growth of good character and ethics. Good character and ethics provides a constant source of nourishment that sustains high self-esteem. Now, let’s talk about becoming rich. Will reading these blogs make you rich? Well, rich in knowledge for sure. Rich in money, probably. More people will want to hire you and promote you if you have good character than if you don’t. And that should put a few more coins in your pocket. Think about it, would you want to hire someone who is trustworthy, respectful, responsible, caring and honest? Would you hire someone who shows up on time, does their job even when you’re not watching, and calls in when they are not going to be at work? Would you hire someone who took a stand on issues that affected your bottom line? So does character really count?

"You see someone put their coat on and out of their pocket falls what looks like money. As you approach you clearly see that they dropped a $1 bill." What do you think most people would do? What would you do? What if you saw that it was a $50 dollar bill? What if it was a $100 bill? Do you think most people would change their answer as the denomination changed? Would your answer change as the denomination changed?

Now that you’ve read this, can you see that this “pop quizz” is the real test of good character? So what does it say about “your character” when it comes down to how you answered the above hypothetical situation? How does your answer determine what kind of employee you might become? How does your answer match up with how you want to be remembered after you’re gone? What if the person reciting your eulogy at your funeral let the members in attendance know what your answer was to this situation? Would it hurt or enhance your reputation? Would it make your mother, father, brother, sister, boss, colleagues, co-workers, husband, wife, boy or girlfriend proud? Would you want people to teach your answer to others? Would you want others to read the decision you made on the front page of the newspaper? Now let me ask you this, does your answer match up with being trustworthy, respectful, responsible, fair, caring, a good citizen, honest, as well as a person that had the courage to do the right thing?

Can you see that character is not really just words on the wall, words in a policy and procedure manual, on a mission statement, attending workshops, reading information about character, listening to lectures, motivational speakers or even watching videos? Good character is about words in action. It is what “we do” that matters in these situations. We are not innocent bystanders in life waiting for others to make the first move. Being a person of good character means that “you” are willing to make the first move and “take action.” It means that “you are willing to do the right thing” regardless of the risk. It also means, “doing the right thing” even if everyone else is not.

Remember the book Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? Well if that is true, then a lot of people I have run into over the years must have been absent on those days! Do you agree?

Why does it seem like we are seeing more and more people who missed Kindergarten? What happened to just a Please and Thank You? What happened to Excuse me? What happened to being nice to other people? What happened to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? What happened to helping out others when in need?

I say nothing happened to "out there." Nothing happened to other people. Nothing happened to the world around us. I say something happended "inside" each and of everyone of us that allowed these to become "normal" everyday behaviors. I say it was each and everyone of us who didn't hold either our own kids or others around us responsible for NOT living by these simple but profound rules of behavior. I say it was a lot of us that thought it was "someone or something out there" that needs to turn this around. I waited for those "in power" to make it happen. And because I waited for everyone to change it, except me, nothing changed for the better. And the changes that we are seeing today didn't happen overnight. Like a slow moving fog, it creeped into our homes, businesses and communities.

Back on what I now call the "old planet," saying Please and Thank you was expected. The structure was set and everyone knew it. Talking back to elders was just not heard of. Holding the door for "a lady" was the right thing to do. The "old planet" was pretty good when it came to the structure being set in these simple "Kindergarten" areas of virtues. Boys were raised to become young men. Girls were raisied to become young ladies. And the pay off was seen and heard in the "work ethic" we all experienced or read about in "the good old days."

Getting back to the good old days can be as simple as raising the bar and setting the structure for how people talk and act while you are around. If you yourself set the structure when it comes to use of language, dressing appropriately, acting appropriately, showing up on time, working hard EVEN when the boss is not around, being kind to others EVEN when they might not reciprocrate, saying Please and Thank You and making the right choices then this is omething you have 100% control over. Change is only going to take place when one person takes the bull by the horns and starts it.

Tell me what you are doing to make a change in your business? Tell me what you are doing to tipsthe scales just a little in the right direction? Share with me a story of how one person can really make a difference?

It's absolutely amazing how many people come up to me after talks or email me following one and describe to me the "jerks" they are either living or working with. They ask me for suggestions as to how to deal with these jerks and then get a little bit upset with me when I suggest to them that the problem is with them. Say what? You heard me. I believe that the problem is with them! It's not the jerks "out there," that have the problem, it's how "you choose to think."

If you step back with me and rethink this one you will begin to understand that you never really have a business problem, relationship problem, job problem or a health problem. What you really have is a problem with how you choose to think. It is your thinking that really gets you into trouble and not what happens to you from “out there.” And when you get your thinking together you will then get your words together and then your actions together.

Here’s my suggestion. Understand and accept that “the world is filled with a boatload of jerks.” We can't get rid of them. And quite frankly, I don't want to get rid of them. The reason is that they give me such great material to write and speak about! So since we can't get rid of them, you just make a commitment to not be one of them.

Here’s a fact--You may meet some jerks in the form of employees, managers, owners, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, acquaintances, and maybe even some of your own relatives. You might even observe some “jerks” in leadership positions in business, sports, government as well as other areas. They are all around us. Don’t dislike jerks. In fact, love them! That’s right, love jerks. You go out and teach everyone to love jerks. Why? Because jerks are a wonderful learning opportunity for all of us. Jerks always teach us how “not” to think, act and feel.

Here’s the beautiful aspect of jerks--you don’t have to take extra credit classes, attend workshops, read books, or anything else to learn from them. Just go out and watch and listen to what they say or do. Pay close attention to what they say and do. Find the business leaders that cook the books to make their company look good. Find the manager who is a jerk to everyone in the company. Find the person who cheats on their spouse. Find the coach that throws chairs, swears at their team, cheats to win, berates officials, and is physically and verbally abusive to players. Find the athletes who use tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs. Find the people that are vulgar and obnoxious. Within a short period of time, you will be able to see and hear for yourself what makes these people a jerk to you and to the others around them.

The key is to go beyond just identifying jerks and the choices they make. To go beyond where most people are, the key is to watch these jerks, listen to them and make a commitment to do the complete opposite of what you hear them say or do. This is exactly what great leaders do. This is exactly what successful people do. They use every one of these people who act in “jerky” ways as a wonderful opportunity to help themselves as well as others identify the particular behaviors that don’t match up with success, ethics and integrity.

Who do you know who acts in “jerky” ways? Can you use them as great examples for you to benefit from personally? Can they become great teachers to others of “how not to be?”

I was in a meeting the other day and I witnessed an exchange between the people at the meeting about the problems they are having in their business. They were complaining that it is tough to get employees to show up on time, do their job even when the boss isn’t watching, call in when they are sick or going to be late, be courteous to customers and so on.  The list went on and on.

I stepped back for a moment and thought about who is it that sets this all up?  Who is it that really trains these employees as to what is expected?  It’s the manager.  So with that in mind, if you were hiring a new manager, what would be the most important qualities you'd look for?  Would you want to have someone with good communication and relationship skills along with the ability to motivate, manage and solve problems?   How about qualities such as honesty, integrity, moral courage, accountability and fairness?  Would you also want the manager to have a high level of demonstrated knowledge and competence in the business you are all about?

What if you found someone that not only was an accomplished manager in the areas of your business but also had a history of successful business accomplishments?  Would that make that person an ideal candidate?  Now let's jump on the other side.  What if you found someone that was a pitbull of a manager who made lots of money for the companies they were involved with but was lacking in all of the character qualities mentioned.  They were demanding, temperamental, high strung, always on edge and were just downright rude and/or nasty to others around them.  They do “whatever it takes” to get ahead, including making some unethical decisions but did them in the name of “getting to that next level” within the business.  They were the type of person that was not liked by employees but they did what was needed to be done to make more money for the company.  Their numbers they produced did not lie.  Would you hire that person over the other person?

My point I'm trying to make is that who you hire says a lot about your company. Warren Buffet said, "In looking for people to hire, look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence and energy. And if they don't have the first, the other two will kill you."

Since it's easier to train a person of good character to do a job well than it is to develop character in a skilled but unprincipled person, if you had to choose, would you hire people in your company for character and train for skills? 

I shared these points with the people at the meeting  and emphasized that your business will get better when the people in your business get better.  Your sales will get better when your sales people get better. Your customer service will get better when your people doing customer service get better.  Your employees get better when managers supervising them get better.  In fact, kids will get better when parents get better. And parents will get better when husbands and wives get better.  Do you get the theme here?

A sidebar to this post is that 3 people after the meeting hired me to come in and train their managers and employees in ethics in the workplace. Pretty cool!

If your boss or co-workers were told they could choose only five words to describe you, what would they say? To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's line in his movie, "Can you handle the truth?"

Most people, including myself, want to be described as an ethical person. Words like trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, citizenship and integrity sure come to my mind as words I would like people to say about myself. However, what I have found out is that these can just be words on paper or words on the wall. And I have also found out that ethics is easier said than done.

The hardest part is not knowing what is the right thing to do…but actually doing it. I told you in the last blog that these are what I refer to as the “pop quizzes” of character. These are the moments where your choices meet face to face with what you are telling people about yourself and your reputation. They will either reinforce your reputation and what you are saying or they will change it in an instant. And here’s the interesting thing, one poor choice can ruin your life forever. This is where it might be wise to keep in your head that “you will always be remembered for your last worst act!”

The other thing that I have become aware of in my life is that it takes character to engage in open-minded self-reflection and make any necessary changes. That’s what these ethics in business blogs are all about. It’s an attempt to get you to TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF. That’s easier said than done. It’s so easy to look “out there” first and question what those people are doing than focusing on yourself. And as long as you’re focused on “out there” it will keep you from examining your own choices. It will also give you permission to accept “out there” as the bar at which ethics is to be set.

Let’s look at it another way. Do you know someone who makes good choices and is a role model in one or more of the following areas: trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, citizenship, honesty, courage, diligence and integrity? Does someone come to mind fairly quickly? Is it someone you know pretty well? Now, ask yourself this question: Who would name you? C’mon, answer the question, “who would name you?” If you can’t think of anyone, why not? What does it say about where you are right now in terms of being a person of good character? And what do these qualities have to do with being effective in the workplace?

Answering these questions is where the rubber meets the road, as they say. When it really comes down to it, it’s all about character. It’s not how much money you have, the title you have, where you live, what you drive, or what you wear. Think about this...when was the last time you saw a U-haul behind the hearse? You will not be taking your spouse, friends, parents or any of your material possessions with you. But you will be taking with you what you have done over the years as well as what you have become. What you have become will be based solely on the choices you have made in your life. Choices when others were watching you as well as choices made when no one was watching you. What you will leave behind is your reputation. Your reputation is being constructed by each one of the choices you make while on this earth. It is not about what you say in life. It is actually what you do that will determine how you are going to be remembered by others.

It's like the old proverb “If you want to know how to live your life, think about what you would want people to say about you after you die, then live backwards.”